Goodbye, Friend

When is anyone ever really ready to hear that someone they care about has passed?

27 years young, and dead.

I have a friend who battled with bulimia for far too many years, and today I found out she died on March 27th, 2023. Silence for those still suffering with eating disorders...

Inhale. Exhale. Breathe. Repeat.

Inhale. Exhale. Breathe...

I found out this morning. It's only afternoon now, and many feelings have come up, much confusion, shock, and grief. I feel guilty for being alive right now. I feel guilty for not helping enough, as if I singlehandedly could have cured her traumas and eating disorder. I feel selfish for having these thoughts. I feel guilty for having any thoughts, while simultaneously judging the thoughts coming up as not good enough.

Someone I know and care about is dead, and there's nothing I can do to change that, but maybe if I do something, it'll help...

I feel like I need to seize the day, and accomplish all my goals. I am alive and can still do something about my life. I can stop letting myself make excuses, and stop getting distracted from my goals. I feel like her spirit is here encouraging me even more than when she was alive. She feels closer. She feels here, now.

Friend, I don't want to forget you. I want to remember your light. I want to remember and act in remembrance of your beautiful spirit, so full of love. As I write this, tears stream down my face, and my chin quivers with uncontrollable melancholic emotions.

I feel deep sadness. The depths of the ocean cannot wash away or drown these emotions. I feel helpless, but writing these words, gives me strength to say goodbye to you. It is not time to wash away, but time to plant. Let your death help plant the seeds of your goodness left behind by your wonderful spirit.

Goodbye, friend. I will watch your seeds grow and tend to this garden your love has left me, and I will share it with the world.

You were and always will be loved.

~XoXo Nassim Grooves Heart oXoX~